Alpacto › Agreements › Rules for fighting fair
Rules for fighting fair: 25 rules to pick, edit and sign
Rules for fighting fair are a short list of things two people agree on while calm: no name-calling, one topic at a time, a time-out word and a plan to come back. Below are 25 of them. Tick the ones you both accept, change the wording, and print a one-page agreement you both sign.
Eight rules, one time-out word, two signatures.
In short
Agree on the rules when you are calm, never in the middle of a fight. Keep the list short enough to remember: eight rules is a good start, and the builder below pre-ticks eight.
Pick a time-out word and a time to come back. When one of you breaks a rule, name it once and carry on. If you are afraid of your partner, these rules are not for you; the section on abuse says why.
Rules for fighting fair, picked by the two of you
This is a fair fight rules worksheet that you fill in on the screen. Type both names, set your time-out word, tick the rules you both accept and edit any wording. Everything stays on this page; nothing is sent or saved.
Worksheet: who and how
8 rules ticked
Before: timing and place
- Ask first: is now a good time to talk about something that bothers me? If the answer is not now, the other person names a time within 24 hours.
- No big topics when either of us is hungry, very tired, drunk or about to leave the house.
- We talk in private, not in front of kids, family or friends, and not in public.
- Serious topics start in person or on a call, not by text.
- No starting a heavy topic in the last hour before sleep.
During: words
- No name-calling, insults or swearing at each other. We attack the problem, not the person.
- No eye-rolling, mocking or sarcasm.
- One topic at a time. If another one comes up, we write it down for another day.
- We say what we feel, when it happens and what we need: I feel tired when the dishes pile up, and I need us to split them.
- No always and no never. We name the last real time it happened instead.
- One person speaks at a time. Before answering, the other says back what they heard.
- We stay on today’s topic and do not dig up fights we already settled.
- No threats about the relationship: leaving, divorce or moving out are never used as a weapon.
- No using the other person’s private pain, family or past against them.
- Voices stay below shouting. Nobody throws or breaks things, or blocks the way out.
Breaks: the time-out
- Either of us can say our time-out word at any time. The talk stops at once, with no questions and no last word.
- A break lasts as long as we agreed. We spend it calming down, not rehearsing what to say next.
- We always come back to the topic at the time we agreed. The one who called the break restarts it.
- Whoever leaves the room or the house says where they are going and when they will be back.
- The time-out word is not a way to win or to dodge the topic. We use it to calm down, and we come back.
After: repair and one agreement
- We end with one agreement written down: who does what by when. Each of us apologizes for our own part, in one sentence and without a but.
- If one of us offers a peace gesture in the middle of a fight, such as a joke or a hand on the arm, the other accepts it or says not yet.
- No silent treatment after a fight. Within a day we say one kind or neutral thing to each other.
- If we did not settle it, we set a date for a second try instead of dropping it.
- One week later we check whether the agreement held, and we change it if it did not.
Your sheet
What fighting fair means
Fighting fair in relationships means you can disagree hard without hurting the person. The argument can be loud about the issue, and it never gets personal, frightening or endless.
Fair fighting rules for couples work like house rules for a marriage or a shared home: you write them once, when you are calm, and use them when it is hard. Therapist lists overlap a lot. Therapist Aid’s article names nine, among them one topic at a time, no degrading language, taking turns and a time-out.
What a list from a website cannot give you is your agreement to it. That is why the builder above has you choose, edit and then sign.
Fair fighting rules for couples, group by group
Before: timing and place
Many fights go wrong before the first word, because one person ambushes the other. The rules in this group make sure both of you are ready to talk.
During: words
The Gottman Institute separates a complaint, which is about one specific thing, from criticism, which attacks your partner’s character. It also describes contempt, such as mockery or eye-rolling, as one of the Four Horsemen, communication styles that its research says can predict the end of a relationship. Most of the rules in this group exist to keep you on the complaint side.
Breaks: the time-out
A time-out is not walking out. It is a word you chose in advance, a length, and a promise to return. The Gottman Institute suggests spending about 20 minutes alone on something that calms you, such as reading or a walk, and then coming back once you feel ready.
After: repair and one agreement
A fight ends well when it ends with something you can both check later. One written agreement is enough, and the apology covers your own part only.
How to agree on the rules when you are both calm
Rules for arguing with your partner, agreed mid-fight, turn into another fight. Use a quiet half hour instead.
- Pick a neutral time, such as a walk or a Sunday coffee, not right after an argument. Say out loud that the point is the rules, not who was right last time.
- Tick rules separately first, each on your own phone or in turns, then compare. Keep the ones you both ticked.
- Edit the wording until neither of you says that is not how I would put it. A rule you can’t say in your own voice won’t survive a bad evening.
- Choose a time-out word that does not sound like an argument. Stop and enough are already fight words; something plain or silly works better.
- Print the sheet, sign it, put it on the fridge, and look at it again in a month. Change what did not work.
Start with eight or fewer. A list you can recite beats a list of 25 you have to look up in the middle of an argument.
What to do when one of you breaks a rule
Name it once, calmly, with the rule number: that was rule 2. The other person says you are right and restarts the sentence. Nobody keeps score.
If it keeps happening in the same argument, call the time-out. Later, when you are calm, ask whether the rule needs to change. A rule that is too hard for both of you to keep is a bad rule, and you should rewrite it.
The sheet is for both of you. Using it to say you broke rule 5, so you lose, breaks rule 1 in spirit.
When rules are not enough
That includes a partner who hits, threatens, blocks you from leaving, controls your money, phone or friends, or makes you feel you must agree to stay safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at thehotline.org. Its site lists a phone line, 800.799.SAFE, a live chat, and a text option: text START to 88788.
There is a second, milder case. If you break the same rules every week, or the time-out never ends in a return, a couples therapist can help you find out why. Our page on the Gottman card decks explains what the official card app holds.
Questions people ask
What are 10 fair fighting rules?
Ten that cover the ground:
- Ask whether now is a good time.
- No name-calling.
- One topic at a time.
- Say I feel instead of you are.
- No always and never.
- Take turns speaking.
- No threats to leave.
- Use a time-out word.
- Come back at the agreed time.
- End with one written agreement.
What are the 9 rules for fair fighting?
There is no official nine. Therapist Aid’s article lists nine headings, from asking yourself why you feel upset to reaching a compromise or an understanding. Our builder gives you 25 so you can keep the ones that fit your arguments.
What are the do’s and don’ts of fair fighting?
Do pick the time, stay on one topic, speak for yourself, take breaks and finish with an agreement. Don’t call names, bring up old fights, threaten the relationship, use the other person’s pain, or leave without saying when you will be back.
Is there a fair fight rules worksheet I can print?
Yes, the builder above is a fair fighting rules printable. Tick and edit the rules, then press Print the agreement. It prints one page with both names and two signature lines.
What is the 7-7-7 rule for marriage?
It is a popular idea about scheduling time together, not a rule about arguing. We could not open a source whose wording we trust, so we do not repeat its numbers here.
What if my partner will not agree to any rules?
Start with one: the time-out word. It costs nothing, and it is the rule that makes the others possible. If your partner refuses all of them and the arguments scare you, read the section on abuse above.
From one agreement to a pact
The last rule on the sheet asks for one agreement: who does what by when. In Alpacto that kind of agreement becomes a pact between two people. One promises, the other accepts, and both see what was agreed and what is still owed.